What I wanted

I wanted it to be special. I wanted the Hallmark-card-commercial kind of a day that would be epically memorable for all of my kiddos. I wanted her to feel beloved; treasured beyond measure and full of confidence and excitement. I wanted to have peace; a calm time of celebration and a day full of peaceful gathering and memory-sharing. I wanted to connect with her; to recall the beautiful and complicated journey that took her into our family. I wanted to celebrate her life; the honor it is to be her mom, the amazing things she has brought to our world. I wanted to write an amazing Facebook tribute, post incredible photos to Insta and tweet all day about our girl’s birthday.

I wanted her to see my intentions and my heart to share this special day with her.

But you see; today was not to be a day about what I wanted.

Because she wanted to scream’; she wanted to find the words to say. She wanted to hurt; to show how deeply she was hurt. She wanted to cry; to express inner groanings that she could not adequately express or understand. She wanted to be hidden; she did not want the attention today – especially today –  And yet, she wanted to be celebrated; and this inner battle crept up from her core. She wanted to be loved in the midst of all that sorrow. She wanted to be pursued; making that nearly impossible. She wanted to be affirmed; that her family was here for her no matter what. She wanted to be held; yet she was pushing us away.

He wanted us to come to Him. He wanted us to know that He was working this all out. He wanted to be our Peace. He wanted to be our joy and our strength. He was waiting for my approach as I silently prayed for Him to restore peace and bring healing this morning. He was waiting for her too. He wanted to work something out in me. He wanted to work something out in her. He wanted to draw us closer to Himself. He wanted us to see His love. He wanted us to know He was the solution.  He wanted us to know that as we drew closer to Him; we’d find healing, connection and comfort. He wanted us to know we are held; even in the midst of the storm.

He wanted us to know that – and more – despite everything that I wanted and everything that she wanted.

And He wants you to know that too.

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.

No one can come to the Father

except through me.

John 14:6



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